My Brain on Grief - From "Super Swirl" to "What Would the Aunties Do?"
A family historian’s flight through shock, connection, and the surprisingly helpful art of scribbling.
10:40 Monday Morning
I'm in a Zoom meeting with a coworker, discussing college graduation. Not mine, my grandchild’s. And oh, by the way, does my coworker need anything before I leave again for the next grandkid’s high school ceremonies?
As we joke about graduation overload, my phone rings. It's my daughter. I let it go to voice mail, but she calls again, immediately, so I press “mute” and answer.
When you mute yourself in a Zoom meeting, the person you're talking with can still see you (unless you turn the camera off) so when I unmute, the coworker says, "OK. Something is wrong."
He can see it on my face.
That “look on my face” reflects what I've come to call the Super Swirl – it’s a feeling of unreality, more in your body than your mind. And it’s followed by a cascade of mixed up thoughts.
Tell me if this is true for you. There are times when thoughts go into overdrive. They cascade. They swirl. You hear them in your head. You feel them in your body. But when you try to grasp them, to put them on the page, they slip away, like a dream in the moments after you wake up.
I've noticed my thoughts do this at times of high emotion, particularly for startling and unexpected events: accidents, natural disasters, really bad breakups.
I want to capture these thoughts at some point, sort them out, make sense of them. But when? And how?
I tell my coworker that yes, I'm sorry, but I need to leave. My grandchild's father just passed away, one week after college graduation.
We’ve adored Derek since he was a teen dad, my daughter’s first love, the father of my first grandchild, and suddenly, he is gone.
If you've been on earth for more than a few decades, you've likely navigated many emotional ups and downs. You've observed how the body reacts, how each time feels different yet familiar. You've learned that part of your job is to help the next generations move through these mountains and valleys. Especially the valleys.
And if you’re a family historian, you’re acutely aware, even through the swirl of confusion and shock, that you are smack dab in the middle of an unfortunate piece of future family history.
Stage 1: Fight, Flight, Freeze or Faint
The first reaction is inevitably shock. That's where I was on the Zoom call. That's what my coworker could see.
Just saw him last week. How can this be? Why can’t I breathe?
According to various online sources, when your body faces a threat, it triggers an acute stress reaction. This is a fast, automatic response designed to help you fight or flee from danger. The "shocky" feeling is adrenaline and cortisol flooding your system. (1)
Your heart beats faster. Your breathing becomes quick and shallow. Your digestive system temporarily shuts down, and your muscles tense up. Time slows. Your vision narrows to focus only on what threatens you. It's your body's ancient survival mechanism at work, concentrating all resources on the immediate danger. (2) (3)
This is not the time to record any thoughts.
Stage 2: The Innate Drive for Connection
Monday 11:00 AM: I begin to reach out to more people — my son, close family, my manager.
This is a not just for comfort. It's a biological need that helps us reduce stress, and it may be a survival response handed down from our female ancestors. (4)
One key hormone at play here is oxytocin, a neuropeptide that promotes bonding and social interactions. And, of course, the experts have a catchy name for this. We’ve moved from "Fight or Flight" to "Tend and Befriend." (5)
Yes, I know. At least it rhymes.
This is still probably not the time to try to collect thoughts on paper.
Stage 3: Glimmers of Clarity
Wednesday 11:30 AM: I'm 35 thousand feet in the air, somewhere above the midwestern United States.
I've spoken with family. We've reviewed our situation--utter devastation for one grandchild at a time when we had planned a celebration for another. We've decided on next steps and put plans in motion.
And now I have reached a point where I can think with some semblance of clarity.
These glimmers of clarity happen as the parasympathetic nervous system begins to kick in, lowering the stress hormones that were flooding the body. The fog lifts a bit, and higher thinking abilities come back online. This may be on-again off-again at first, like a spotty Wi-Fi connection, and for those with severe trauma, it may follow an extended timeline and benefit from professional guidance. (6) (7) (8) (9)
I have a little tray table, a small notebook, and three pens, and I’m going to try to sort out some of these thoughts.
Traditional linear notetaking just doesn't capture how my mind is working right now. My thoughts are bouncing all over the place and linking to each other in unexpected patterns. Mind Mapping is designed for this. You start with a central idea and then let your thoughts spread out in branches, capturing keywords and connections. (10)
I’ve been telling myself to learn proper Mind Mapping for years, but did I listen? Of course not, so today I just scribble things down. Miracle of miracles, it still helps.
I’m not trying to grasp every single thought, just key impressions and connections.
Here is the first page from the plane. It's a messy capture of a chaotic internal state, but it reflects the how of getting those swirling thoughts out. Instead of trying to force them into linear sentences, I use lines and arrows and snippets of words to follow the paths my mind is actually taking.
I start by anchoring myself in the physical reality of the moment: "Plane - seat 18B," and the overwhelming mental state: "Thoughts Swirling" and "WORRY." That is enough to break the initial blankness and allow the thoughts to start flowing.
From those anchors, threads of thought branch out. My mind jumps to a past experience: my plane seat in 1984, at the age of 25, flying to my mother's funeral with my young son. And that horrid smoking section in the back, with a baby. It was the only seat that was left on the entire plane!
And it isn’t until this moment that I realize I’ve been internally comparing these two experiences. I mean, it makes sense, right? Similar ages. Similar situations. But I didn’t catch it at first, because my thoughts were too chaotic.
The "WORRY" section becomes a list of immediate anxieties:
“Worried for my child”
“She is worried for her children”
Off to the side: “one grieving, one graduating, each concerned for the other”
Understanding how “worry echoes thru generations”
And then a poignant question, "Who worried over me?"
Leading to the thought of "My aunts?"
I hadn’t thought about my aunts as people who worried about me before. I knew they took care of me. So did all of my older cousins. But I didn’t recognize the cascading concern, how you’re missing the person who is gone, but at the same time you are also hurting for the person who is even more acutely missing the person who is gone. And today, I realize I’m two generations deep in that cascade.
The sections continue on like this, one small section at a time, connected to other sections as I move along.
I was 25. Mom gone. My grandchild is 21. Dad gone. I like having things in common with my grandkids, but NOT THIS.
These non-linear scribbles allow me to quickly capture intense, interconnected thoughts as they come up, making it slightly less overwhelming.
And as I follow these visual threads, the connection to my aunts becomes increasingly clear. Their role back in 1984 isn't just a memory. It’s an insight into a generational response to crisis.
Taking the baby
Giving cash (don't tell your uncle)
Sharing stories
Insisting on food
Finding times to laugh together, and all reminding me of my mom in that moment
These actions are all illustrations of that deep-seated "Tend and Befriend" impulse. Wherever somebody is reaching out for connection, somebody else needs to be at the other end, to connect. And it helps me understand the question I’ve been frantically asking myself underneath all of this: How do I navigate this impossible situation?
My answer? Be like the aunts. Tend and Befriend, even though this phrase sounds trite enough to make my eyes roll right out of my head.
Aunts Helen, Esther, and Betty would doubtless roll their eyes right along with me.
“Oh, honey, at least it rhymes. Just go with it.”
Key Takeaways
Monday 6:26 PM: I'm writing this now. Thinking about my week. There are still many unknowns in the future. The Glimmers of Clarity still flicker on and off in my head. I hear cartoons in the other room and a dog barking in the yard. We have cookies to make, laundry to do, and my grandson needs a ride to the ball field.
We are fortunate to have multiple generations devoted to the youngest in our lives. We can split up and make sure each grandkid has extra attention during this time. We have the technology for instant communication. We have ways to travel quickly from place to place. Smoking sections are a thing of the past.
And as a family historian who is not particularly young, I have the benefit of a deeper and broader perspective than I had in 1984.
Our ancestors went through these things, and so will our descendants — times of joy, times of devastation, times of first loss and first shock. Graduations. First steps. Dogs barking in the yard. Really bad breakups.
How can we be here for them, while we’re alive, and even later, with the words we leave behind?
I'm thinking about my aunts: Taking the baby. Telling me stories. Feeding me. Slipping me cash. Don’t tell your uncle!
Over the course of the next few weeks and months, I think my mantra needs to be: What would the Aunties do?
Derek, sweet loving father to my very first grandchild, fly free with the angels …
For further reading:
Understanding the Neurobiology of Traumatic Shock and Pain | SciTechnol - https://www.scitechnol.com/peer-review/understanding-the-neurobiology-of-traumatic-shock-and-pain-oR38.php?article_id=23256
Panic: Understanding the Body's Response to Stress | Psychological & Counseling Services - https://www.unh.edu/pacs/panic-understanding-bodys-response-stress
What Happens During Fight-or-Flight Response? - https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-happens-to-your-body-during-the-fight-or-flight-response
What Is the ‘Tend and Befriend’ Stress Response, and How Can It Help You? | SELF - https://www.self.com/story/tend-and-befriend-response
The two faces of oxytocin - https://www.apa.org/monitor/feb08/oxytocin
Panic: Understanding the Body's Response to Stress | Psychological & Counseling Services - https://www.unh.edu/pacs/panic-understanding-bodys-response-stress
Physiology, Stress Reaction - StatPearls - NCBI Bookshelf - https://www.unh.edu/pacs/panic-understanding-bodys-response-stress
Neurobiological Mechanisms of Stress Resilience and Implications for the Aged Population - PMC - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5843978/
How Does Grief Affect Our Cognition? - HappyNeuron Pro - Blog - ghttps://news.happyneuronpro.com/how-does-grief-affect-our-cognition/
Mind Mapping Basics - https://simplemind.eu/how-to-mind-map/basics/